Deranged Goblin
A Screenplay by Savannah Grace, Autumn Rose
INT. TATE MODERN, ST IVES – AFTERNOON
Admirable cleaner DR MATHIAS RUSSELL is arguing with kind painter MS ALISON RUSSELL. MATHIAS tries to hug ALISON but she shakes him off.
Please Alison, don’t leave me.
I’m sorry Mathias, but I’m looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.
I am such a person!
I’m sorry, Mathias. I just don’t feel excited by this relationship anymore.
MATHIAS sits down, looking defeated.
Moments later, admirable private detective LADY SOPHIA PIGEON barges in looking flustered.
Goodness, Sophia! Is everything okay?
I’m afraid not.
What is it? Don’t keep me in suspense…
It’s … a goblin … I saw an evil goblin blackmail a bunch of kittens!
Defenseless kittens?
Yes, defenseless kittens!
Bloomin’ heck, Sophia! We’ve got to do something.
I agree, but I wouldn’t know where to start.
You can start by telling me where this happened.
I was…
Focus Sophia, focus! Where did it happen?
The Eden Project, Cornwall! That’s right – The Eden Project, Cornwall!
EXT. A ROAD – CONTINUOUS
MATHIAS rushes along the street, followed by SOPHIA. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.
EXT. THE EDEN PROJECT, CORNWALL – SHORTLY AFTER
GARY BARKER a deranged goblin terrorises two kittens.
MATHIAS, closely followed by SOPHIA, rushes towards GARY, but suddenly stops in his tracks.
What is is? What’s the matter?
That’s not just any old goblin, that’s Gary Barker!
Who’s Gary Barker?
Who’s Gary Barker? Who’s Gary Barker? Only the most deranged goblin in the universe!
Blinkin’ knickers, Mathias! We’re going to need some help if we’re going to stop the most deranged goblin in the universe!
You can say that again.
Blinkin’ knickers, Mathias! We’re going to need some help if we’re going to stop the most deranged goblin in the universe!
I’m going to need guns, lots of guns.
Mathias Russell, we meet again.
You’ve met?
Yes. It was a long, long time ago…
EXT. A PARK – BACK IN TIME
A young MATHIAS is sitting in a park listening to some trance music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.
He looks up and sees GARY. He takes off his headphones.
Would you like some chocolate?
I don’t know, you look kind of deranged.
Me? No. I’m not deranged. I’m the least deranged goblin in the world.
Wait, you’re a goblin?
EXT. THE EDEN PROJECT, CORNWALL – PRESENT DAY
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
(To MATHIAS) You ran away?
(To SOPHIA) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
I may have run away from you then, but I won’t run away this time!
He turns back and shouts.
I mean, I am running away, but I’ll be back – with guns.
I’m not scared of you.
You should be.
EXT. A SUPERMARKET – LATER THAT DAY
MATHIAS and SOPHIA walk around searching for something.
I feel sure I left my guns somewhere around here.
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly guns.
You know nothing Sophia Pigeon.
We’ve been searching for ages. I really don’t think they’re here.
Looking for something?
Crikey, Mathias, he’s got your guns.
Tell me something I don’t already know!
The earth’s circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
I know that already!
I still wear nappies.
(appalled) Dude!
Prepare to die, you deranged cauliflower!
No please! All I did was blackmail a bunch of kittens!
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those kittens were defenceless! Well now they have a defender – and that’s me! Mathias Russell defender of innocent kittens.
Don’t hurt me! Please!
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use these guns on you right away!
Because Mathias, I am your father.
No you’re not!
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
Who’s the daddy now? Huh? Huh?
Did he just faint?
I think so. Well that’s disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly guns.
Be careful, Mathias. It could be a trick.
No, it’s not a trick. It appears that… It would seem… Gary Barker is dead!
What?
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.
So your guns did save the day, after all.
Is it true? Did you kill the deranged goblin?
Alison how long have you been…?
Long enough.
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Gary Barker.
Then the kittens are safe?
It does seem that way!
You are their hero.
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Gary Barker will never blackmail kittens ever again, is enough for me.
You are humble as well as brave!
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
I couldn’t possibly.
Well, if you insist.
Thank you.
MATHIAS turns to ALISON.
Does this mean you want me back?
Oh, Mathias, of course I want you back!
Well you can’t have me.
WHAT?
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a goblin to death before you would believe in me. I don’t want a lover like that.
But…
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin – my best friend, Sophia.
But…
You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
Mathias?
I’m sorry Alison, but I think you should skidaddle.
SOPHIA turns to MATHIAS.
Did you mean that? You know … that I’m your best friend?
Of course you are!
Suddenly SOPHIA stops.
When I said I still wear nappies, you know I was just trying to distract the goblin don’t you?